I think the biggest challenge I was faced with was finding myself. Figuring out who I was going to be. I tried to ask myself, "Who is Sape really going to be after this?" And, I just couldn’t find that answer. I was completely lost. I tried to apply for jobs. I tried to sit with the reality of the world. I tried a lot, but I just felt like I was being pushed away.
See, I was abused when I was young, from the time I was six years old until I was thirteen, but I found an escape in football. I could go on that football field and focus all my energy on it. I discovered football was really something good for me, and I pursued it really hard, but I was pushing down anger over what had happened to me the whole time I was playing.
Playing football actually worked out well for me, I could go to school, and I met my wife. A lot of my family members don’t know what happened, and it’s been a secret that weighed on me for so long. I carried that anger with me that whole time. When football stopped, I couldn't ignore the anger anymore.
Then about three years ago, during the time I was facing challenges in my transition, my wife and I were trying to conceive a child and we finally had a baby but he was a stillborn and it was like everything went downhill again. It just felt like my body was deteriorating more and more, and I couldn’t understand why. I kept asking myself, "Why was I thinking this way, why am I not happy, why am I depressed?" I didn’t know anything about depression and anxiety and I didn’t know that I had gotten really angry at the world, and I was very suicidal. I didn’t care about what was going on around me, it didn’t matter anymore.